I'm looking back and I can't believe I haven't written on here since Halloween. It has been so busy that I just haven't had time to sit, take a deep breath and write. Today I figured I needed to. My Grandma Baltz (better known to Asher as G-ma) passed away this morning. She had a heart attack about 3 weeks ago and has been in the hospital pretty much ever since. This past couple weeks have been the hardest. She really started stuggling and suffering. She was put in the SICU and put on a ventilator. That helped her breathing, but her kidneys, lungs and heart were just not doing well. She had a little stroke last week and she couldn't move her right arm. It was so hard to see her like that. They have had her sedated, so she would just lay there sleeping. A few days ago, they decided to put her in Hospice care to keep her comfortable during her last few days. It was so good to see G-ma without all those cords, tubes and machines coming out of every part of her. I wanted her so badly to sit up and talk to us, or just open her eyes so she knew we were all there.
I knew this day was going to come, so I have been trying so hard to prepare myself. I knew it was going to be really hard on my family and since I'm 33 weeks pregnant I knew I had to be strong and not get myself too worked up. When I went to see G-ma on Friday I actually took Asher with me. She hadn't gotten to see her in about 2 weeks because kids were not allowed in the SICU. G-Ma still looked good and was resting comfortably, so I knew this would be one of Asher's last chances to go see her. Everything went well. Asher wasn't scared because without all the machines and tubes G-ma just looked like she was sleeping. Saturday I took Asher up there again, but G-ma didn't look as well. Luckily, there were 9 of us in that hospital room and enough distractions for Asher, that she really didn't notice. This morning when I got out of church I had a text from Katie. It basically said G-ma wasn't good today. I immediately started getting Asher and I changed out of our church clothes. Called Jannie Jan to see if she could watch Asher. I have been trying to update family when I got updates, so I sent out a mass text. About 2 minutes later, my Dad called and said she had passed. I immediately started calling my brother, sisters and mom to let them know because Dad said he couldn't do it. Then I had to send out another text to the family. So many thanks to Jannie Jan....I dropped Asher off at her house and she took Asher to one of her best friends birthday party and watched her for me all day so I could be with my family.
I went up to the hospital. It was hard because G-ma was still in the room. I've never seen a dead body that wasn't "prepared" already at a funeral home. Dad, Joe and Jess were there. We did ok; we had a few moments that were really hard, but we were all there together. Katie had been in Pocahontas, so she got there as soon as she could. She wasn't expecting G-ma to still be there, so it was really hard for her, but we all stuck together and got through it. After a while, we all went and had lunch (my Dad, brother, sisters, Uncle Bill, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Rose & Aunt Janelle). It was good for everyone to get out of the hospital for a while.
I spent the rest of the day with my brother and sisters. It was good to just be with them. Adleigh wasn't quite as cooperative, and I was really hurting this evening. But I think my body has just been exhausted. When I got home, I tucked Asher in with her books to read while I hopped in the shower (hoping it would make me feel better). And then it hit me...I just had to let it all out and cry. I guess Asher heard me because she came to check on me. She told me everything was going to be ok because she was there to take care of me. I am so proud of her. She has been so strong. Jacob has been talking to her this past week about G-ma being sick. She had some questions. She asked, "So I don't have a G-ma anymore?" Jacob explained to her that G-ma was going to Heaven but would always be with her in her heart. I heard her on her play cell phone today. She called God and told him that her G-ma was coming to be with him and for him to take care of her.
I am so happy G-ma is in a better place, not suffering, but that doesn't stop my heart from hurting. I keep thinking of all the summers, days after school, every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc that I have spent with her. I have never doubted how much love my G-ma had for me, but I'll tell you that when Asher was born, I saw it even more. She loved that baby so much and it hurts my heart that she won't get to see Adleigh. She was so excited about Adleigh's arrival!!!
This next year is going to be hard. We have so many things going on that G-ma would have never missed...Thanksgiving is just over a week away, Adleigh's arrival, Katie's college graduation, Christmas, Katie's wedding, etc. Like Jacob told Asher, I know she will always be in our hearts and I am so thankful to have had grown up with the most wonderful woman as my G-ma!
I love you G-ma!!!
I knew this day was going to come, so I have been trying so hard to prepare myself. I knew it was going to be really hard on my family and since I'm 33 weeks pregnant I knew I had to be strong and not get myself too worked up. When I went to see G-ma on Friday I actually took Asher with me. She hadn't gotten to see her in about 2 weeks because kids were not allowed in the SICU. G-Ma still looked good and was resting comfortably, so I knew this would be one of Asher's last chances to go see her. Everything went well. Asher wasn't scared because without all the machines and tubes G-ma just looked like she was sleeping. Saturday I took Asher up there again, but G-ma didn't look as well. Luckily, there were 9 of us in that hospital room and enough distractions for Asher, that she really didn't notice. This morning when I got out of church I had a text from Katie. It basically said G-ma wasn't good today. I immediately started getting Asher and I changed out of our church clothes. Called Jannie Jan to see if she could watch Asher. I have been trying to update family when I got updates, so I sent out a mass text. About 2 minutes later, my Dad called and said she had passed. I immediately started calling my brother, sisters and mom to let them know because Dad said he couldn't do it. Then I had to send out another text to the family. So many thanks to Jannie Jan....I dropped Asher off at her house and she took Asher to one of her best friends birthday party and watched her for me all day so I could be with my family.
I went up to the hospital. It was hard because G-ma was still in the room. I've never seen a dead body that wasn't "prepared" already at a funeral home. Dad, Joe and Jess were there. We did ok; we had a few moments that were really hard, but we were all there together. Katie had been in Pocahontas, so she got there as soon as she could. She wasn't expecting G-ma to still be there, so it was really hard for her, but we all stuck together and got through it. After a while, we all went and had lunch (my Dad, brother, sisters, Uncle Bill, Aunt Kathy, Aunt Rose & Aunt Janelle). It was good for everyone to get out of the hospital for a while.
I spent the rest of the day with my brother and sisters. It was good to just be with them. Adleigh wasn't quite as cooperative, and I was really hurting this evening. But I think my body has just been exhausted. When I got home, I tucked Asher in with her books to read while I hopped in the shower (hoping it would make me feel better). And then it hit me...I just had to let it all out and cry. I guess Asher heard me because she came to check on me. She told me everything was going to be ok because she was there to take care of me. I am so proud of her. She has been so strong. Jacob has been talking to her this past week about G-ma being sick. She had some questions. She asked, "So I don't have a G-ma anymore?" Jacob explained to her that G-ma was going to Heaven but would always be with her in her heart. I heard her on her play cell phone today. She called God and told him that her G-ma was coming to be with him and for him to take care of her.
I am so happy G-ma is in a better place, not suffering, but that doesn't stop my heart from hurting. I keep thinking of all the summers, days after school, every Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, etc that I have spent with her. I have never doubted how much love my G-ma had for me, but I'll tell you that when Asher was born, I saw it even more. She loved that baby so much and it hurts my heart that she won't get to see Adleigh. She was so excited about Adleigh's arrival!!!
This next year is going to be hard. We have so many things going on that G-ma would have never missed...Thanksgiving is just over a week away, Adleigh's arrival, Katie's college graduation, Christmas, Katie's wedding, etc. Like Jacob told Asher, I know she will always be in our hearts and I am so thankful to have had grown up with the most wonderful woman as my G-ma!
I love you G-ma!!!
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